Toys backwards "R" Us Kid

As another birthday approaches (1 month) I have come to the decision that I do not want to be old. That's not to say that I don't like getting older, because I like that. I just don't want to be old. Not 60 old, but old old. You know, when you start to shrink and every colour you wear is faded, that old. When you wear your pants over your belly button and your socks match your belt, that old. I don't even like the elderly. They are all wrinkled, little, gremlins.

Reasons I dislike old people:

They Smell. Literally, it's like a combination of pepermint, cat urine, mothballs, glade spray, dust and pretty much just staleness. If I ever get to the point in my life where my house smells of anything other than day old pizza, beer, and dirty socks than I don't want to live.

They Can't Drive. And they drive the biggest cars. I'm not saying they couldn't drive at one point in their life, but, you should know when to draw the line. Even Tyra Banks says so.

They Count Out Pennies. In this rush rush rush society that we live in who has time to count out $34.65 in change? Old people, that's who. And besides the change thing, they don't understand the 12 items or less line. I know that after this great shopping extravaganza where you spent under $40.00 that you are probably going to go home and talk to your cat and watch whatever it is that old people watch, but I have stuff to do. Hurry up.

They Talk to You. Didn't your mom ever teach you to not talk to strangers? This is particularly bad when the weather starts changing, or basically when anything is changing.

This is not to say that I dislike all old people, just the majority of them. There are the ones that rock and make you look forward to being old. The ones who's pant's sag, don't wear pastels, still work on the farm, enjoy a smoke every now and then, and don't go to Arizona, to live in a R.V. This is the old person I hope to one day become, then I can chase kids off my property when they come trick or treating and I can write about how much I hate kids, what with their smooth skin and rosy cheeks and all.

-Pickle

I'm not fat it's just beer

Why am I just finding out about this now? Do you know how many concerts, weddings, trips to the mall, etc... This would have saved? Gone are the days of putting beer in my belt. This is gonna take it to a whole other level. And speaking of a whole other level, here's what to get that little girl who doesn't know her father this year. A Job.

-Pickle

Think Warm Thoughts

I love the winter and most everything that goes with it. Snowboarding, hot totties, scarves, touques, beards, boozogonning, and grandma sweaters. The only thing I don't like is the cold snap that's going on right now. Seriously, this sucks. After almost losing a toe due to frostbite in Banff on Saturday night I have decided to compile a list of things to keep me warm without cranking up the thermostat.

Top 5 Cold Day Warm You Ups

5. Stew. Make up a big ol' pot of this because you know it tastes better. And if you have a bit of a drinking problem like I do, put some wine in it. Cooking with wine is probably the best thing ever.
4. Put on your pj's and bring your blanket from your room and sit on the couch. Most people will do this after a heavy night of drinking, but try it on a week night, it's even better when you're not hungover.
3. Stay in bed naked with someone. What you do after that I leave up to your imagination. It is actually recommended for curing hypothermia. And if the Red Cross approves of it, it can't be that bad.
2. Getting so drunk you can't feel the cold. This isn't exactly recommended by anyone other than me. It is actually discouraged by Search and Rescue and pretty much every medical expert there is.
1. Move. That's right pull an old people maneuver and move to Arizona.

-Pickle

Video killed the video star

Dear Much Music,
YOU SUCK! You used to be ok, but then you decided to bring in all the extras. What happened to the music videos? I don't care about who was "Born to Be" or "True Hollywood Stories." I just want to watch music videos. If I wanted to watch that crap I would watch Much More Music, at least they have Flavour of Love. So please bring back the music and quit trying to be MTV.

-Pickle

Ladies line up and look at my hot new ride UUUNNNGGGHHHHH

I bought a new car. (Well new to me) For the first time since I've started driving I feel like I can actually depend on my car. Sure it may not be exactly what I wanted, but it will do until my next purchase. Here is a list of cars that were in my price range and had I drove away in one of these babies my mom would have disowned me.

Top 5 cars I wanted to buy, but didn't.

Dodge charger - Do you know how rad it would be to pull up to Peter's Drive-In in this bad boy? Fuckin Sweet, that's how sweet. Little known fact, when Dukes of Hazzard was pulled off the air I actually cried.
1970 F-150 - I have always wanted a big truck. It could be the country boy in me or the fact that I love throwing my money away.
VW Van - Any child of hippy parents has the dream of one day driving to Mexico in a van. It's true ask any kid who was raised by hippies.

Subaru Loyale - I have this car now and I love it. Unfortunately it's falling apart on me. There's something about a wagon that says " I like the cargo room but don't want to be another yuppy driving a SUV."

1975 Toyota Landcruiser - My mom would have for surely killed me if i bought this one. My parents had one when I was a baby and had to get rid of it because I would always get carsick in it.

-Pickle

Well there goes my dream of peeing off the tower

When did Calgary become the Wild Wild West? No more spitting, pissing, farting, swearing, knife carrying, or dancing in public. Seriously are we the new Elmore City. (If you didn't know, Footloose was based on events from this town) This is probably the dumbest bylaw ever. How can a city enforce no spitting? The real problem I have with this is I know I will be busted. I have gone so many years without a liquor ticket, speeding ticket, any ticket (knock on wood) and I know I will get busted for spitting.

On an upside, new Jay-Z album today/

-Pickle

Self Promotion is a Bitch

I don't normally mix work with pleasure but this time I need your help. I have never been to Montreal and would really like to go. Please go to the Golden Bowl website and vote for Frontside under the Prairie Provinces section. I would appreciate any and all the support you can give. Plus, I would like to show that the "little guy" can beat the mega monsters in Calgary.

Thank you in advance

Pickle

1 Night with Scott Shaw

Top 6 Reasons to Not Give Your Camera to a Short Drunk Guy:

6. You get shot's like this. I have no idea who this is, what theyr'e doing, what they are dressed up as
5. The token pic of myself. Why do peole think they look better when they are drunk? I have no idea and I am super guilty of this aswell.
4. Because I look so good and I love you I need to take pictures of us together, out of focus, and usually out of frame.
3. It's obvious that he was trying to take a picture of his wang to surprise me. The best part is that he couldn't focus because there was a drink in his hand. Good job.
2. This could be either a good thing or a bad thing. This is a nice ass, however, I did not need to see 12 pictures of said ass.
1. I do actually like this picture a lot. I'm not sure what they are dressed up as. (maybe a little asian man) But the look on the little guys face is pure money.

-Pickle

hallowickawickaween

After it was all said and done it was a good night. "Drunken Scott's photos tommorrow"

"I ordered them over easy"

Some how this is the costume that won the fridge, don't ask me how. I guess she's cuter than me.

Wendy and an Ewok (Nice try Dustin, your just lazy)
Some how progolfer turned into waste case with a wig
This girl kept on bumping into me the whole night and pretending to eat me.

Brokeback City

"I swear the fish was this big"
I think these girls got a prize, in my dreams they did.

Cheers to you to

-Pickle

Excuse me while I pull the foot out of my mouth

Wow, Jurassic 5 way to prove me wrong. For all the shit I talked on you the show was outstanding, except for the amount of college kids there. I can forgive the collab with Nelly and almost forgive the Dave Mathews one. If you wouldn't have done it as an encore it would have been in my top 25 shows. (probably around the 23 mark) Thank you for proving me wrong. Cadence Weapon, on the other hand, you sound better on cd.
Now for the stuff I didn't like:
1. No Beer. This is probably the worst part about going to all-ages shows. Set up a beer garden please. I don't need to get blackout drunk, but a couple of beverages would have been nice.
2. People jumping up and down like they're on a pogo stick. Thank House of Pain for that one.
3. Older men clapping along to their own beat. It's not that I don't like them, they are the best to watch.
4. Guys putting their girlfiends on their shoulders. I paid good money for my ticket, I don't want to see your girlfriends haggard muffin top all night. (I know I'm tall and people could say the same about my fat head, but I didn't ask to be born this way)
5. Career college kids. You know the ones. Theyv'e been going to university since REM was college music. Those guys.

-Pickle

Call the cops, I was robbed!

I like to consider myself a fair and just person. That is why when I see injustices like last night happen I get a little ticked off.
The night started like any other night. Scott called to say that he would be late coming over as his truck was on fire outside of his house. I think it was the little girls dressed up like princesses. After that first roadblock it was off to Broken City for a night of dancing and to see if anyone could top my amazing costume. (pics tomorrow) No one could, yet somehow I lost the costume contest. I don't know how it was judged, maybe on boob size as the winner was wearing a box covered in duct tape. I didn't even place. I mean come on, I sweated my ass off for nothing. I have never felt so cheated in my life. (Or since last year when the pickle costume lost to Bender, but I still got second place) So Broken City is now on the "LIST." After Saturday's painful wait and last nights upset I don't know if we can get along anymore.
On an upside, I have a new found respect for Cadence Weapon. It turns out that he has lost all respect for J5 as myself and Sarah. To quote as best as I can remember from my inebriated state last night, "Dave Mathews, seriously what the fuck?" To which I responded "And Nelly Furtado." So tonight if you are at his show watch for me, I will be booing Jurassic 5.

-Pickle

Halloween pictures tommorrow including a short feature entitled "Let's see what happens when Scott steals my camera."