I aint got no use for no book learning

I like to think that I learn from others mistakes. I have not killed anyone, I have no kids, (that I know of) and I've seen enough fights to know that it's not always the best idea. As we get into summer driving mode I made a little list to help you not make any mistakes on your trip.
Here are some guidlines to help you have a good road trip season.

- Fireworks are Fun. Whenever you can buy fireworks, they sell them at most gas stations in BC. Not only will you have endless entertainment, but if you are lucky someone will get hurt.
- Put EVERYTHING on your Ipod. Sure you may be going through an Iron Maiden kick right now, but come kilometer 2000 you may be a little sick of them and wishing that you had some New Edition to break up the guitar riffs.
- No more than 1 cigarette per hour. This rule should be followed at all times unless you want to look like this.
- Do not fill up in the Rockies. Gas is a complete rip off from Canmore to Revelstoke. Do whatever you can not to fill up there.
- Drink lots of fluids. This way you get to take more pee breaks and get to stretch your legs way more often. Also it helps to get rid of the hangover you incured the night before.
- The passenger seat always controls the music and rules of shotgun apply at everystop. If you don't like what is being played on the stereo you better know the rules of shotgun or else you may have a whole trip of Jessica Simpson.
- DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE. This is a no brainer, people do care about you and would like to see you again.

-Pickle

PS - Don't litter or stop in the middle of the road to look at wildlife.

The Great Couch Tour of '07

After 4216 km's, a couple of ferry rides, and a whole lotta alcohol I'm back. Thank you to everyone who put up with my snoring, laziness, drunkness, and let me sleep on their couch.


Rules for Couch Sleeping:

- If you are short make sure you take the biggest couch leaving the love seat for me. Being the gargantuan being that I am there is nothing I love more than being cramped onto a little couch. And please hosts, make sure all of your furniture is pleather and that you have no sheets to put on them.
- Drink as much as you possibly can. We all know that your better half shows itself when you are drunk. Don't forget to get your host loser drunk the night before he or she has a big day of work ahead of them. That way when they take their asses to work you can uncram yourself from the couch and sneak into their bed and get a good sleep for that night. We all know it gets a little lonely on the road and the best way to meet those special members of the opposite sex is to have a little liquid courage. Who knows maybe your host will eventually succumb to your charm.
- Treat your host. Get them a coffee, buy them a drink, take them out for dinner, etc, etc.... Remember that a hotel would cost a lot more than a large pizza. The nicer stuff you do, the more of a slob you can be. If you go for Mexican you are now allowed to fart in their presence. The bottle of wine you gave them cost more than $50.00, you are now guaranteed at least 3 nights on their couch and you can leave your socks on the floor. You bought them a "happy ending" at the message parlour, well my friend, you might aswell just set up shop and move right in.
- Not everyone is as fun as they used to be. It seems that there are some people who have lost their fun gene. It may have happened sometime between marriage nad the 4 little rug rats who now inhabit their trailer. If these people are your host, make sure to remind them about what they are missing out on. Remind them of the time that you guys got arrested in Cache Creek, or about the time that you met these ****** and ******* them in a ********. While telling these stories make sure to do it really loud (aka really drunk) so that their significant other remembers why they didn't want you at their wedding.

-Pickle

Update on the boozefest that is my vacation

Since I left Calgary on Thursday night I don't think I have been sober yet. I'm going to have to pull a Lohan and check myself into rehab when I get back.

-Pickle